Ladies Night At The Gun Range
Yesterday afternoon I decided to take Nicolo to The Bullet Trap, a gun range in Plano. He was so excited because he has never held a gun...I was excited because how great would it be to turn an Italian loose in the gun store? So when we get there a Charles Manson look alike came up to help us and started explaining guns to Nicolo. Through his 3 teeth and broken English, Manson did nothing else but to confuse the poor Italian, and make me want to take off my clothes and join a cult. So i chose a gun for him. .38 Special! It was a little pistol that held 5 bullets, looked simple enough and there weren't a lot of parts to mess up. Tonight was lady's night at the gun range I was informed...though I was the only lady there. We got to choose our targets, I chose the guy holding his crotch, while N chose the Osama Bin Laden headshot. The guy gave us a rule sheet to read over...which Nicolo just stared at blankly...then turned us loose with a box of bullets and a firearm. We had to wear these stupid head phones that were so thick and heavy it was hard to hold my head up. When we got to our lane I started setting things up. Seeing as how I was the professional here (since I have been to the gun range once when I was dating the Bi-Sexual police officer) I went ahead and hooked the targets up and showed nicolo how to load the bullets into the gun. When he went to load it, the entire barrel fell out and onto the floor. So here i was wallowing on the floor of some dirty gun range looking for the barrel of a gun...I went from 0 to 60 on the white trash scale in mere seconds. After I found the barrel and reassembled the gun and loaded it for him I stepped back to let him shoot. He took this very Wild West stance and actually attempted to quick draw. After he shot his rounds I stepped up and tried my best to look like Lara Croft. I busted a cap in that paper and forever have impressed young Nicolo with my gun slinging skills...

Quizno's with a Quirky Boy

Today i went to Quizno's with Brock Mulder. The entire duration of the meal he talked on his phone. Afterwards he spit on the sidewalk missing my foot by about 2cm. Below is the parting conversation he and I had....

Brock: Today is the last day i Don't wear underwear.

Crystal: Why Chaffing?

Brock: No the zipper excites me and i have to be careful.

Wow.

Andy's Antics

Crystal: My mom is going into the hospital today
Andy: what for?
Crystal: They found a mass on her uterus
Andy: They found a Mastodon on her uterus?!? She should get that checked out.

Andy: I’m sure he is embarrassed to be your friend
Me: Why?
Andy: you don’t know how to work clothes and you probably forget to pull your underwear down when you go to the bathroom.
Me: I do not.
Andy: you need one of those collars so you don’t chew your stitches.

Have you seen my hot dog?

We were in the store Hot Topic looking for a AC/DC belt buckle for Arwed (the new foreigner who is German/Australian really wanted one) and there was a shirt that had a wiener dog on the front and said “Have you seen my wiener” Nicolo turned around and loudly asked “have you seen my wiener?, what does that mean?” All the scary pierced, blue haired scary people were laughing so hard at my poor little Italian golfer…I shuffled him out as fast as I could and asked him no longer to talk.

Amy Lubinski is Boot Free!

Things that Amy can do now that the boot has been removed, because no one likes a cripple..

Kick (preferably ‘it’)
Run
Pedal
Dance
Knee Board
Pilates
Free Style Hip Hop
Cage Train
Knife Fight
Build a Fort
Steal
Rock Climb
Roller Skate
Karate
Skateboard
Mad Licks on the Guitar
Killer Jumps on her bike
Walk without a hobble.
Run barefoot in the sand with her lover
Surf
Dance Like a Russian

Glad to have you back in the standing upright human race…now go find your left shoes.

Barney and I went to the Rangers game last night. I didn’t feel well and made him go home early….just as the “strikel” as I like to call it was made…(its called a cycle) He was not happy. But neither was my stomach…bleck to much sauerkraut.
There is a guy staying here from Germany. I thought he was from Australia….but he’s not. Anyhow poor guy’s luggage got rerouted to Singapore. How bad does that suck? Anyhow this guy is cute. Sounds like Heath Ledger. Not much to say today…except Pink Bubble Gum Pedialyte tastes like garbage. And I got a very very interesting email last night…….

Here is a picture of my roomate trying to beat the smoke alarm off the ceiling. It beeped constantly for a whole month and this evening she had enough. after about 10 minutes the alarm plummeted to its untimely death...but the ceiling kept beeping...

such a nice surprise....

Friday night Robin got coerced into babysitting…ha ha….so I made plans to go to the movies with Kirk, Kyle, Joel and Heather. I made plans to meet up with Kyle at his place. When I got there I was very excited to see that he had gotten a hair cut, and bathed. It was a nice surprise. As usual with Kyle, plans change. Now we were going to meet up with everyone down at the Dallas World Aquarium because Joel and Kirk had to do some computer work before the grand opening of the Mayan exhibit the next day. When we get there (late) we are greeted by a rather plump man who took us in to the aquarium. The smell of that place is disgusting. Think of everything foul and bad and roll it into one giant smell then add vinegar, and you are still no where near what this was. Allegedly, it came from the penguins, but I saw no penguins. Probably because it was their dead decomposing bodies is what was producing the putrid odor. Anyhow once my sense of smell was rendered useless we got to do this private tour. We started off upstairs in the new shark tank. We were looking down into the tank where all you could see were these bloody fins breaking the water. Apparently the sharks scrape their fins on something but they aren’t sure. Not that cool. Then I realized what a freaking disaster this could be. The railing to the tank is not very tall, probably reaches chest size to and adult. What I predict is someone wearing a pair of jean shorts and a wife beater that they have made themselves from an old t-shirt, and mandals, holding their equally fashionable child over the railing, then a wicked case of DT’s set in and he violently shakes his child submersing him in the shark infested water. This could double both as a Real TV episode and Cops. Now that’s an exhibit. We next visited the River Otters. (Keep in mind that all of these animals are new to captivity and are just as interested in us as we are to them.) When I think of otters I think of cute furry, swims on its back, cracks open oysters with a rock, likes to slide in the snow, cartoonish creatures. Not the case with the River Otter. This mongrel is six feet long and has razor sharp fangs that I was not so impressed with. It stared at me a while wondering how he could rip the flesh from my face then did a nose dive into the water only to attack his other otter friend who is living in the same cage as he was. Not so cute. I quickly moved along. Of course there are all those silly birds. Not a big fan of the birds since all of my unfortunate run ins with them…nothing good comes of a bird so I moseyed s fast as I could through those. We then came up to the shark tunnel. This was the underside version of what we saw before. (which would be great viewing if a child was to fall in.) These creepy sharks just kept coming up to the glass and staring at us with their bloody noses and yucky gills, I didn’t much care for all of that. But it was neat. I was ready to leave and breath fresh air again so we hit our last little area which was the manatees. Now these things were awesome. They were huge and fat and would roll around on their backs and they looked like dogs. I liked them up until I saw one poop. Then I was done. We left the stinkquarium and went to the Velvet Hookah. I am not a fan of the velvet hookah, nor any hookah for that matter. We were surprised to see that Elimidate was being filmed there. It was awesome. These guys were morons. And I have to say I am a little let down by Elimidate. They feed the guys their lines…I thought it was real. Well, everyone began encouraging me to learn how to belly dance…and the 3 margaritas weren’t helping to dissuade me. So when Shamara came over she started to show me all the moves. Pretty soon I had some castanets clinking and my hips popping to the timeless tune of Hotel California..with sitars…then I took a shot and promptly got sick. Thanks Kyle…

One our golf pros' wife brought up their son carson. Hes a cute kid so i wanted to get on his good side. When i finally coerced him over to my desk bribing him with his wildest dreams coming true with what i had behind my back, i pulled my "triumph the insult comic dog" puppet out. I was shot down and screamed at and a bit of spittle hit my eye. He ran away screaming about the scary dog, thus bringing in a whole slew of golfers to see what the commotion was about. I put the puppet in the trash.

we need classes....know your role

Last night I went to the Improv with Robin. When we get there we ask to sit in smoking. The smoking section was a sad little section to the left of the stage that was a stones throw away from the non-smoking side of the stage. Seriously, one could stick their arm out and touch the non-smokers, or better yet just wave our cancerous fumes in their faces. They sit you at a table with people you don't know, but as you all know, I knew them very well by the end of the evening. First to sit down was Zach. He was this well dressed, well groomed, and rather good looking guy. He was waiting on his friend Jeff. Across from us was Travis and Mandy, who i just called Mandy Travis...because it worked so well for Randy Travis. Next to them sat, Angelique, (who told us her "friends" have lovingingly dubbed her as "stump"), and the other lady i don't remember her name...but her father used to be my middle school english teacher. The first comedian went on and well, sucked. He had some lame joke about a bowling trophy and a cheerleaders finish..it was stupid...but hey, I couldn't have done it. Then the next guy went on and all he talked about girls and how they lie about how many people they have slept with...this topic did not impress the table with all the elderly people...well one lady at that table was laughing so hard it looked like her dentures were about to fall out of her face...but the other hospice bound folks were not so impressed...looked like they must have had too much geratol. The guy was so raunchy I though Robin was going to go sit with Father Time and his crew and put on a sour face because of his crudeness. I loved him...it was awesome!At the end of this guys set he informed the audience that his mother was in the crowd. Next up was this guy name Mario from Austin...he started off a little weak but finished up with a bang...then came the main act. This guy looked like he had done a bump of coke before he came out. He paced around the stage and made me nervous. He kicked it hard. I don't remember his name but Robin will probably post a comment to say who he was. When we got up to leave, we had already made fast friends with our table and invited Zach and his buddy Jeff to come watch the Perside meteor shower with us at the golf course. I had a few cocktails and also invited one of the comics...the really raunchy one. Kirk met us out there, and we roused Nicolo out of bed. We spread a quilt on the dring range and watched the sky. It would have been a lot cooler if i understood that a clock radio does not work off the 9 volt battery...that just backs it up. So we were tuneless. Jeff booked first, then Robin disappeared, Nicolo was unimpressed so it was just Kirk, Zach and I. We did cartwheels, and looked up at the sky and spun to get dizzy. At this point we only saw a few meteors....so Kirk got bored and tired and left. at around 1:30 am the sky exploded with shooting stars. It was by far one of the coolest things I have ever seen. Don't all you chuffers wish you would have hung around????